My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
