see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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