I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
