the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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