haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
