I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
