it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
