I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Girls should come with a carfax report
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They took my balls.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
