I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
