I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
