Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
