I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
