I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
