Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
