Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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