God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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