I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
