I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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