I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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