you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
