just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
