I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dicks are not precious.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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