Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
