You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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