It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
