When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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