I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
