she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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