She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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