Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
