i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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