I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
