Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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