I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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