The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize