to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.