I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
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I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
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N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."