My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
