Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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