I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
