even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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