We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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