i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
