Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
