A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
