I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
