It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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