How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You can't special order awesome
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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