I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
