If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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