I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
