I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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