Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
