Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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