im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
