You made me cry and you don't even care
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
