He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
