When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
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Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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