Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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