I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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